It’s 1984 and I’m ten years old in the picture above; a rare moment of fun, driving a boat. Hiding beneath the smile, I’m hours from desperately seeking to take my own life. With only eight hours’ rest between Chronic Cluster Headache attacks, I barely have time to brace myself before my next trip to hell; a pain so exquisitely pure its beyond comprehension.
This type of pain is beyond the reach of doctors, medicine, drugs or alcohol. The all-consuming fear of my next pain marathon would consume every waking moment for the rest of my life.
Two times a day with each headache lasting 2 1/2 hours, the mind raping pain was so immense that it would take hours of sleep to recover, but my story doesn’t start here…
My very first childhood memory was of my dad getting me drunk. My second memory was my mom getting me naked and convincing me to do inappropriate things. The third memory was my dad trying to throw me off a bridge and murder me… I only survived because I knew what he was doing and I scrambled up his arm and clung on for dear life. DEATH GRIP.
Living with sexual, emotional and physical abuse lasting over 15 years, I also survived Cluster Headaches. The headaches started at 8 years old and are The most painful condition known to modern medicine; aka,“Suicide Headaches.” And wouldn’t you know it, I had the rarest forms of Clusters. Unlike most who people diagnosed with Clusters (Episodic cluster headaches make up the majority of cases – over 95%), I had Chronic Cluster Headaches, multiple times a day.
And yes, it’s way more painful than childbirth; it’s literally double the pain.
See Medical Pain Score Chart Right >>>
I suffered more than 11,000 Clusters lasting an average of 2-3 hours, 2x daily for more than 15 years.
Here’s the medical study where they discuss the pain severity how it was deemed “Clusters to be the worst pain known to mankind”.
This type of pain is beyond the reach of doctors, medicine, drugs or alcohol. The all-consuming fear of my next pain marathon would consume every waking moment for the rest of my life.
Two times a day with each headache lasting 2 1/2 hours, the mind raping pain was so immense that it would take hours of sleep to recover, but my story doesn’t start here…
My very first childhood memory was of my dad getting me drunk. My second memory was my mom getting me naked and convincing me to do inappropriate things. The third memory was my dad trying to throw me off a bridge and murder me… I only survived because I knew what he was doing and I scrambled up his arm and clung on for dear life. DEATH GRIP.
Living with sexual, emotional and physical abuse lasting over 15 years, I also survived Cluster Headaches. The headaches started at 8 years old and are The most painful condition known to modern medicine; aka,“Suicide Headaches.” And wouldn’t you know it, I had the rarest forms of Clusters. Unlike most who people diagnosed with Clusters (Episodic cluster headaches make up the majority of cases – over 95%), I had Chronic Cluster Headaches, multiple times a day.
And yes, it’s way more painful than childbirth; it’s literally double the pain.
See Medical Pain Score Chart Below
I suffered more than 11,000 Clusters lasting an average of 2-3 hours, 2x daily for more than 15 years.
Here’s the medical study where they discuss the pain severity how it was deemed “Clusters to be the worst pain known to mankind”.
This type of pain is beyond the reach of doctors, medicine, drugs or alcohol. The all-consuming fear of my next pain marathon would consume my every waking moment for the rest of my life.
Two times a day with each headache lasting 2 1/2 hours, the mind raping pain was so immense that it would take hours of sleep to recover.
My very first childhood memory was of my dad getting me drunk. My second memory was my mom getting me naked and convincing me to do inappropriate things. Living with sexual, emotional and physical abuse lasting over 15 years, I also survived Cluster Headaches. The headaches started at 8 years old. The most painful condition known to modern medicine; aka,“Suicide Headaches.” And wouldn’t you know it, I had the rarest forms of Clusters. Unlike most who people diagnosed with Clusters (Episodic cluster headaches make up the majority of cases — about 80–90%), I had Chronic Cluster Headaches, multiple times a day.
I suffered more than 11,000 Clusters lasting an average of 2-3 hours, 2x daily for more than 15 years.
Here’s a medical study where they discuss the pain severity how it was deemed the worst pain known to mankind.
And yes, it’s way more painful than childbirth; it’s literally double the pain.
See Medical Pain Scale Chart Below
Credit: National Library of Medicine
Being an only child, I was abused repeatedly by several adults. The kind of hurt that doesn’t just go away—it buries itself in your heart and in your soul. As a broken kid I had a life of barely existing with horribly deep depression. My parents would get stupid drunk every night and fight. I would listen at the foot of my door and hear them talk about what a shitty kid I was. How I was ruining their lives.
By then end of every night it either ended in a screaming match or flying dishes or physical abuse. I was terrified to fall asleep or leave my bedroom to use the bathroom. I developed a years’ long habit of peeing on the carpet in the corner of my bedroom because I was terrified to leave and use the bathroom. I woke up most mornings to both parents passed out on the floor or couch. I was terrified of them.
One day when I was five years old a friend of my parents dropped a girl off I’d never met before. Her name was Sarah and she was 5 years older than me at 10 years old; she seemed very mature…
Sarah’s parents had abandoned her and my folks took her in until her family could figure things out. Her “home life” was far worse than mine though. I only had drunk and occasionally abusive parents. Although still sexually abused by other adults, their sexual abuse of me ended when I was little. Sarah had a stepmother who would beat and starve her for days at a time, it was horrible; I mean, really bad stuff.
So when my folks where drunk and beating each other or throwing things around the house (every night) I was scared shitless, but this type of adult behavior was average for Sarah. She was accustomed to far worse violence than myself. The first night she was with us and my parents began their nightly drunken ritual, Sarah hugged me, held me tight, and rocked me back and forth as I cried in fear.
She’d whisper to me in her sweet little girl voice saying:
“It’s going to be okay.”
“It always stops after they fall asleep.”
“I promise I won’t let them hurt you”.
“I’ll keep you safe… I Promise”…
Every night Sarah held me tight and made me feel safe and secure and comfortable. This was the first and only time in my life I felt truly loved, secure and cared for.
We’d shared some traumatic experiences together for a few months as small children and we grew a bond that was resolute.
But after only a few short months, I woke up one day and she was gone. They sent her back to live with her horrible parents. The first and only real safety and comfort I’d ever known was gone. I was completely devastated. Sarah left an indelible love-stain on my soul.
Dealing with horribly deep depression, being prescribed more than 30 medications (half of them experimental) and seeing psychologists and psychiatrists every week, I was miserable. (My folks just couldn’t understand why I was so fucked up and depressed. lol) Filled with a deep pain, resentment and rage I didn’t know how to carry. They didn’t know that I remembered what they’d done to me when I was very young and they also didn’t know I overheard them every night speak terrible things about me.
At 8 years old, I was only trying to numb the brutal pain of these “suicide headaches”, even just a little. I started by taking handfuls (10 to 20 pills) of Ibuprofen and Tylenol and combining it with whatever was laying around the house; booze, wine and any other pharmaceuticals (like benadryl). Trying them all in all combinations and I didn’t care if it killed me, I just wanted the pain to go away! I learned quickly that if I mixed certain over the counter meds together it would get me really, really high.
I started smoking, drinking and using hard drugs by 10 years old. Although I was a complete mess and failing everything in school, I excelled in math. I told one of my Psychologists about how good I was at math and bragged to him about how I was in 10th grade mathematics (as a 5th grader). He decided to give me an IQ test; I scored 138. Apparently I was bright and had a gift, but was too tormented and fucked up to use it or even give a shit about it.
Pills, booze, propellants, huffing gas, glue and paint sniffing.
By 12 years old I was smoking a pack a day and also an alcoholic. My dad would by me smokes by the carton and I’d steal liquor anywhere I could, but most of it came from my folks who never missed it because of how much they drank. I was using any drug I could get my hands on from anywhere I could get them. Meth. Heroin. Crack. Crank. Acid. Shrooms. Cocaine.
I was beat up and picked on by everyone. I had no friends. So I’d do anything I could to detach myself from the loneliness and the terrifying pain that was my daily life. I wasn’t just destroying myself—I was hurting others too. I committed tons of crimes. I stole everything I could get my hands on and broke the law with little to no regard for myself or anyone else.
I’d made some terrible choices, sometimes just to survive, sometimes for “fun”, but mostly out of self destruction. I just wanted to die. I was a lost and wounded kid trying to escape the extreme solitude and the daily devastating pain ritual; grasping to forget that at any moment, I’d start to feel that cold twinge in the right side of my brain begin to creep up.
Like most people in my generation, I raised myself for the most part. I finally made a friend in 5th grade. He was another broken kid who was being beat by his real dad and molested by his step dad. But his stepdad also happened to be a biker; a REAL biker in a 1% biker club. For the next 4 years this is where my new friends and I spent most of our time and got most of our drugs.
In the 7th grade I dropped out of school and the next twelve years of my life were a blur of self inflicted pain, devil worship, guns, satanic music, sex with any girl who would have me, stealing, lying, suicide attempts, vandalism, and running wild doing whatever I wanted with little to no repercussions. I had a growing obsession with cutting myself and fantasized about suicide daily.
By the time I was 17, I’d been arrested dozens of times and gotten two girls pregnant within a few months of one and other. Drinking eight (yes, 8) 40oz bottles of Old English every single day was common. I was a train wreck.
FAST FORWARD to adulthood…
Having suffered with Cluster Headaches for 10 years, I’m now 18 years old. With my history of sexual, mental, physical abuse, addiction coupled with betrayal by everyone I ever trusted, my wrap sheet was long. 2 months after my 18th, birthday I was wrongfully charged and convicted of 3 felonies and sentenced to 3 years in a Maximum Security Penitentiary. Hey, I was not an innocent kid, not at all; I was a walking nightmare. But, the local cops where out to get me any way they could. How fucked up was I? Me and 2 acquaintances used to go out and pick fights for the thrill of getting into a fight. The cops knew it was me, but could never prove it. The cops even tried to get me on phony kidnapping charges once. I had committed robbery, forgery, many assaults, tons of thefts, B&E’s, stole cars and tons of other crimes…
But I was innocent of this crime, and it was serious.
Now having just turned 18, I found myself in one of the TOUGHEST Prisons in the US sentenced to three years, Maximum Security. I was with the real badasses now, killers, rapists, thieves and predators.
I was very, very fortunate in that I didn’t become more of a victim inside. Once inside the joint, I made a few friends quickly and kept my head down and my mouth shut. I didn’t have to join a gang or any of the other things that most people have to do. Apart from 2 fights, nobody really bothered me, except one time this guy kept fucking with me. When I’d had enough, I called him out on it (in the chow hall) and I was ready… He must’ve known I was “ready” and backed down; he never messed with me again. Other than that, it went by fairly smooth with exception to my 2x daily headaches.
LEARNING EXTREME DISCIPLINE… A man cannot show weakness in a place like prison. Especially an 18 year old punk like me. I had to hide the pain of my headaches from everyone. I taught myself how to “handle” having a fucking ice-pick driven into my brain OVER AND OVER while acting normal in front of everyone. No tears. No emotions. No facial expressions; just extreme discipline.
After “good-time”, I’d spent a little over 2 years inside and I was released at 20, almost 21 years old. I came out of prison with a few tattoos and I was harder, angrier, meaner and more of a real criminal. I was released on parole and I quickly got back into the game and within weeks I was hooked on crank and drinking a fifth of liquor every day. I spent a year (give or take) on parole (which was a joke) and the same day I was released from parole I moved to Las Vegas. Within 4 months of being in Vegas I was a homeless meth addict living on the streets, panhandling for money.
I’d been on the streets for a few months when it started getting cold outside. To warm up I’d ride the city buses and one day I was trying to get warm on the bus when I heard a comment by a stranger that would change my direction.
See, although I had been whacked out of my head on meth for a long while, I enjoyed the news and politics and the two women in the seat next to me where debating politics. One of them asked me a question to help resolve their disagreement. Before I knew it I was leading the debate and I ended up proving them both wrong. As my stop approached, I was walking down the isle I hear one of the women say to the other, “what a bright young man! Too bad he doesn’t shower. He smells awful”…
Then it hit me like brick; how long have I been awake? How long had it been since I’d taken a shower? Did I really smell bad? What did my hair look like? Where the fuck have I been? How long have I been like this? Meth has a way of melting time and identity…
I got off the bus and went into a gas station bathroom and staring at myself in the mirror I didn’t recognize the reflection. I must’ve only weighed 100 pounds. Hair all matted up, clothes filthy, face sunken in, teeth covered in a thick carpet and I stunk!
This freaked me out! Although I was hooked on meth and was awake for weeks at a time, I had always kept my physical appearance together. I was normally one of those people you couldn’t tell when I was drunk or high by my actions and I always just kept my shit together when in public; no matter what. But meth had officially taken over.
My appearance weirded me out enough that within a few weeks I was able to pull my act together and move back in with my folks. Although I wasn’t really “clean” yet, my head was clear enough and I was only using meth to maintain the addiction and not going on 2 week benders anymore. A few weeks later I decided I wanted to be a drug dealer; it came pretty natural to me. Free drugs! Yay!
I started small and worked my way up fast dealing in large quantities of meth and weed. I had my head screwed on straight (enough) and the drug game was simple.
However, after 2 years of that lifestyle there had been several attempts on my life from rival drug dealers (one of which almost killed my whole family). I walked from the game and moved in with a girl who supported our meth habit. We lived on the outskirts of Vegas for about a year and we got heavy into using meth, again. One day after about a year with her, I woke up after a 2 week binge (somewhere around 24 years old) and realized I hadn’t had a headache in about a week. It was a fucking miracle!
Without even realizing it (until decades later) once my headaches where gone, I was able to quickly get my shit together. I quit meth and everything else too; cold-turkey. I even quit drinking and I landed a good job within a few months.
Looking back on it I realized this was the first break from my headaches in more than 15 years; since I was 8 years old. That’s all I needed; was a chance…
I kicked ass at the new job, made great money and they made me assistant manager within 4 months. I was 100% clean for the first time since I was 8 years old and life was great. Although I had to deal quite a bit with withdraws and had sleep issues and hallucinations for more than a year, I kept the discomfort to myself and restarted my life. I bought a new truck, made some new friends, landed a cute new girlfriend who was clean (not on drugs and going to College), tons of new clothes, electronics and had money in the bank. It was great!
I was able to get caught up on my child support and was trying to visit with my kids. The mom’s weren’t having it though. They knew what a wreck I’d been in the past and never did let me see them; but I always paid my support on time and sent them letters trying to visit them.
A made a new friend at work and he was a cool cat. The ladies liked him and we ended up getting a nice house together. His past was a bit like mine and he was a solid dude who had my back and vise versa. So after about a year of working at the same place and both of us being former meth-heads, we decided to get back into the drug game. But, we would both be clean and sober this time. We left our jobs and started with 10 pounds of weed. I won’t get into the details, but we made some good money and had some good times. Other than drinking, we both stayed sober.
After about a year back in the game, I was the passenger in a high speed car accident where he was driving. It almost killed all 3 of us; no seat belts. 80 miles an hour right into a brick wall. It was my buddy’s fault. He refused to take responsibility (even though he was driving drunk) and I was badly injured with injuries that would last for life. I couldn’t forgive that so I went on my way.
Shortly after, I met another girl and although I was drinking, I was still clean.
I was now 27 years old and had a job as a sales manager and I’d made friends with the boss. He was a cool dude who’d also been to the joint and also hung out with bikers. Real bikers, not weekend warriors. Ironically, these were bikers from the same club I hung out with as a kid.
He’d spent a bit more time inside than myself for fraud; he was a smart dude and we had a lot in common. After working together for a few months he got canned and his parting words were “keep in touch, homie!”.
2 months later he calls and says “Hey man! I got new business idea! I need a business partner I can trust who is good at sales training and team management, you want in?”
I thought he was full of shit, so it took some convincing, but within 3 weeks I’d sold everything I owned and was moving with the new girlfriend to Colorado. We started the company with a $50k loan from someone who is in the “underworld”. If we didn’t pay the loan back, there would be “consequences”, but we handled business and got it paid back. I was in charge of all the employees, training and sales numbers while he was in charge of all the back-end stuff and finances.
We started with 2 sales people and 6 months later we had the loan paid back with around 100 employees. We made our first million within 8 months.
The girlfriend went alcoholic-psycho one day and disappeared; it’s a long story… Shortly after that I got involved with a cute employee who was being beat by her boyfriend. I made her boyfriend go away and she moved in with me. She got pregnant within 6 months and then a few months later the company went bankrupt. The lifespan of the company wasn’t more than 2 years.
My business partner and I parted ways but we stayed in touch a little throughout the years.
My new pregnant fiancee and I went from living in a premium place making tons of cash to being flat broke and moving in with my folks. She thought she’d hit the jackpot with me! It didn’t last long.
However, she was loyal, sweet and kindhearted; not to mention a cutie! So we got married in Vegas on New Year’s Eve. She was 6 months pregnant and we were BROKE. We were each making $7 an hour as telemarketers, barely making it and walking back and forth to work, but we were both happy. Although I was still an alcoholic and drinking daily, it was under control. I kept it down to 6 beers a night; not more unless there was a special occasion.
Our son was born shortly after and my wife had landed a great job making really good money. We had our own car (paid cash) and new place within 3 months of our son being born. She got pregnant again within the same 3 months and we were excited!
Over the next 10 years we had a great life. No cheating, no excessive drinking, no drugs no bullshit. She got transferred for work and we bought a house outside Orlando Florida with 2 new cars; things were great. She worked full time while I remodeled our house. We had 2 awesome kids and I’d started a few small businesses, but nothing really took off. I started day-trading stocks and playing online poker and I was good at both. Although I didn’t make us rich, it was enough to supplement her income and we lived very comfortably until the housing market crash.
We sold the house in 2010 and moved back to Vegas into a rental house.
After being back in Vegas for a short while, my wife began to move up in the new company she was working at and started to work a lot more hours. I couldn’t find work and I was growing depressed as a stay-at-home-dad.
We’d been back in Vegas for a few years when I received a call from someone I hadn’t seen or spoken to in 35 year; It was Sarah.. The next 10 years of my life is where I experience the deepest, darkest and most painful things to come including several Dark Nights of the Soul and an Ego Death. Then came The Spiritual Awakening…
