I was 10 years old in that picture; just a few hours from attempting to take my life.
Below is a very brief overview of my story, or you can read the longer version here.
My very first two childhood memories were my folks getting me drunk and molesting me. A few days later my dad tried to throw me off a bridge. I survived by hanging onto him for dear life and screaming at the top of my lungs. I’ll never forget the complete fear of being dangled off the edge of that bridge knowing my dad wanted me dead. I grew up in a broken house with parents who were also victims of abuse and they carried it forward to me.
As an only child, my nightly ritual was laying at the bottom of my bedroom door overhearing them get trashed while describing what a shitty kid I was; which usually ended in violence.
When I was eight years old I suffered my fist (of over 11,000) Cluster Headaches. For me, the headaches were two times each day with each lasting around 2 1/2 hours. The mind raping pain was beyond what words can express.
On top of sexual abuse, physical abuse and having absent parents, at only 8 years old I now was dealt a hand that was unimaginable. The most painful condition known to humans.
Also known as “Suicide Headaches”, I was one of the unlucky 4% of Cluster Headache sufferers who got them chronically (multiple times a day) every day for more than 15 years. Chronic Cluster Headaches are extremely rare and very, very brutal.
These headaches are twice the pain of childbirth.
See Medical Pain Score Chart
As a child, I was beaten, molested and mentally abused while also being used as a lab-rat for the pharmaceutical industry. Because Cluster Headaches are so rare in children, I was the perfect test subject for experimental medicines. Although I was in a bad situation, one of my Psychologists gave me an IQ test when I was ten years old and scored an IQ of 138. I was bright and doing advanced mathematics (Pre-College math) when I was in the 5th grade, but I could barely handle getting out of bed and I didn’t care so I dropped-out of school in the 7th grade.
As a weird kid who nobody could relate to, I was singled out and bullied relentlessly. This coupled with a shitty home-life, I became involved in devil worship, hurting animals, became an alcoholic and I would constantly cut myself and fantasized about killing myself daily.
Into my middle-teens I got involved in gangs, guns, drugs and was the driver in a deadly high speed car “accident” resulting in millions in damages and people being severely injured.
As a late teen (2 months after my 18th birthday) I was wrongfully arrested and convicted which resulted in a 3 year prison sentence in a Maximum Security prison. Upon my release, I quickly became a crank and meth addict and lived on the streets panhandling to survive. One day after several months on the streets, I had a moment of clarity and decided to become a real drug dealer. After being in the drug game for a few years, I’d been targeted and survived 3 separate murder attempts; one of which almost killed several other innocent people. After getting out of the drug scene, I had 2 fingers cut off and was beaten again, almost to death (having my face/skull crushed in) and I’ve been shot at several times.
My headaches went away in my mid 20’s and I was finally able to get my act together. Later in life I got married and owned several businesses and made millions; I also lost millions to gambling, alcoholism and betrayal, among other things. Finally, I’ve been stabbed in the back by almost every person I ever trusted.
In my late 30’s I’d been married for about 10 years with 2 kids when I started a business and it ended up being very successful; but my heart was still a mess. I had a large house, new cars and lived a life that most people only dream about. But I was miserable. Then I was betrayed horribly by someone I trusted (more than I’d ever trusted anyone). It was a horribly traumatic experience and I went through my first Dark Night of the Soul.
Lasting about 18 months, I recovered and got on with my life back together but my heart was in even worse shape than before. I was a mess, my brain was all fucked up and my soul was a complete disaster; but I was successful on the outside. Everyone thought I had my shit together but my drinking had spiraled and my heart screamed daily. For the next 7 years I played it off like I was just a business owner, dad and friend; but it was all a lie. So for seven years I just kept up the facade and got on with life. I was maintaining financial success and enjoying the benefits when I went through another very traumatic experience. This began my 2nd Dark Night of the Soul.
Typically when someone enters a Dark Night, they do not know (until much later) what they are going through and neither did I. At this time when I was in the beginning stages of this 2nd Dark Night when I literally lost my mind; I went insane. I’d finally cracked. I attacked a loved one with murderous rage.
That’s when God / Source / Creator intervened.
I don’t know what to call Him/Her, Source… It’s like a pronoun now and everyone gets offended when people don’t say what they prefer. Just stop already. It’s immature BS. It also seems like the hardcore Christians (like who I used to be) get a little offended when using the word “Source”. I know I did; it just irritated me like “taking the Lord’s name in vain” or calling him “Lord”. I mean, Lord? That’s a title used for Kings and Princes and shit. Come on, man…. Stop with the Lord crap. At least call him by his real name and not the bible version; Yeshua HaMashiach.
I think to myself: Let’s pretend I’m Jesus; not disrespectfully, No. I want to put myself in HIS shoes. Now I’m Jesus…
After all my lessons and all the teachings, would I want people to get down on their knees and worship me? That’s just not who Jesus was. Between having visions, healings and telling the future, Jesus was more like a modern Gen X hippie than a “Lord who must be worshiped” or you’ll burn for all eternity.
No one is going to hell. I’m not saying you shouldn’t repent. And I’m not to say some people might not have to recycle here? I don’t know. I repented deeply and took full ownership for the things I’ve done and had a full accounting of shit. I think that’s the only true path to LOVE. You have to repent and accept yourself for who you are. Be un-apologetically and authentically you because you are also God’s gift to humanity. You are divine as much as Jesus was… Jeshua was the highest of all of all the ascended masters.
I’ve always felt like wearing a cross is like wearing an electric chair to celebrate someone being murdered. I’m not saying wearing a cross is bad either… I still wear mine frequently and think it’s a good way to show others you are a soul who loves and respects Jeshua deeply.
Anyway, I did have some type of physical “Encounter” where something literally rewired my brain.
As an adult, I’d always thought of myself as a pretty decent guy; a little fucked up for sure, but I was a solid dude; or so I thought…
But I was shown a different perspective on who I was. Like a movie, I saw it; myself through someone else’s eyes.
I was not who I thought I was and I NEVER had been…. That moment, (2 or so years ago) changed everything about me.
Shortly after, I ended a 10 year relationship and walked away from my 7 figure company, away from my large house and away from several new cars and everything else I owned. I knew it was the right thing to do, so I left it all behind and started my life over again.
Thanks to that encounter, after a few years of deep trauma healing and soul repair, I’d finally found my calling; to help other trauma survivors heal as I have.
I’m no different than you are; EVERYONE is the same… Some have simply had different life experiences. I haven’t experienced as much trauma as some other people have; but I have learned grace, guidance and how to heal from the worst types of pain, addiction and trauma that people can experience.
Above is the very short version of my experienced life.
I now spend my life helping other survivors integrate severe trauma with Love, Compassion, Forgiveness and Understanding into their daily life.
EVERYONE deserves a life of Love and Grace.
EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE.
As an adult, I’ve been through two Dark Night’s Of The Soul, an Ego Death and had a full Kundalini and Spiritual Awakening. FYI, Kundalini is not evil; it’s a part of the body which God created in us all. Just because someone doesn’t understand it, doesn’t make it evil.
I am not special, I am you; we’ve just been on different life-paths.
If you’d like to know more about my story, I’ve outlined a very brief overview here.
EMPATHY is not learned, it must be experienced and overcome to help guide others.
If you’re seeking guidance from someone who has experienced your pain, then we may be a good fit. Reach out below and let me know how I can help.
I am truly here to help others and I’m not in this for money: Reduced fees are available.
